A Day Without Winning
- Michael Kennedy
- Jan 18
- 5 min read
Updated: Jan 18
On attention, urgency, and letting life catch up
One day on a short drive, I was having a pointless argument with my wife. And as usual I was hellbent on winning that argument. I don't like being wrong, especially when I know I'm right.
"Why?" Nicola asked. "Why can't you listen to my side of this argument and simply agree with me for once? Why do you always have to be right? Why do you always have to win?"
I paused for a moment and wondered about what she said.
Why do I feel a need to always win?
Just then a car tried to cut us off to pass us in heavy traffic. So I sped up to make sure he couldn't merge in front of us. "You see that?" I said to Nicola, "that jerk tried skipping in front of us with no signal. He nearly ran us off the road!" But I showed him. And for the next several miles he tailgated us, honking his horn, giving us both needless anxiety.
"Why couldn't you have just let him in?" Nicola asked. "Are we in that big of a hurry?"
The truth was we weren't in any rush at all. And then I thought about what she said. Why did I prevent him from merging in front of us? Did we really need to get to the next light before him?
Nicola said to me, "I've got an idea. How about you take a day to just... lose?"
Her words caught me off guard.
"Lose?" I asked?
"Yes. Lose. Lose the argument. Lose the race to the next traffic light. Lose the desire to win the day, for just a day and see what happens."
I admit her advice rubbed me the wrong way at first. Afterall, as a kid I was raised to win. Win the game. Win the debate. Win the scholarship.
As an adult I was rewarded for winning too. Win the job. Win the promotion. Win the sales contest.
I've read a lot on winning, from the classics such as Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People, Rudy Maxa's Dare To Be Great, Og Mandino's, The Greatest Salesman In The World, Zig Ziglar's See You At The Top, and Tony Robbins' Unlimited Power. I have in my working library no less than a hundred books on winning in some form or other.
But not one book on losing.
I've even enjoyed friendships, working relationships, and mentors with, arguably, some of the world's greatest winners by every stretch of the imagination: Jim Moran, Omar Periu, Glenn W. Turner, and Zig Ziglar and his family, to name a few.
I wake up every morning around 3am so I can read and write about inspirational stories and biographies. So I can "win the day." In fact, after a belly full of coffee and a mind full of motivation, I'm ready to seize the day like a human cannon ball... like one of the Flying Zacchini Brothers!
All that said, I'm not suggesting I'm a winner. But I'm certainly wired to want to win. (I definitely want to win your attention with this post, for example.)
Losing has never been part of my conscious routine or habit.
But taking Nicola's advice, which often is a wise choice, I decided to spend a day "to just lose" and here's what happened...
My intention wasn't to lose in a way that would put me at risk with my family, community, or job - not something foolish - but a deliberate pause from the reflex to respond, react, or prove I'm on top of things. To take a day off from the small, constant sense of urgency to perform that hums beneath modern life.
On this day, I decide not to win the argument.
I chose to let the car cut in front of me and not get mad.
On this day, missed calls remained missed. Emails could wait.
I didn't hike to the summit of Granite Chief Trail. But I did take a hike up the trail.
Get On Purpose, Get Off Outcome
It’s easy to confuse purpose from outcome. We measure success by what gets done, how we compare ourselves with others, what gets answered, what gets acknowledged, and how much we contribute. We optimize for efficiency and call it progress. But purpose, real purpose, rarely reveals itself on a rigid Franklin Planner. It prefers space. It requires listening and reflecting. It shows up when we stop chasing it.
So, instead of asking, "What do I need to accomplish?" The question to ask is, “What and who deserves my attention?”
I decided to take a hike in nature, but this time it wasn't about getting to the top of the mountain. You don't have to summit to get the full experience (what a concept!). I noticed the quality of light through the trees and the neon green moss on their roots and branches like never before.
I let my curiosity, not obligation, set the pace.
There's relief here. But at first, there maybe some discomfort.
Silence can feel loud when we’re used to constant input and distractions. Unanswered messages can tug at the back of the mind. The habit of immediate responsiveness doesn’t break easily. But if you stay with it, if you resist the urge to fill every gap, you begin to remember something important: You're not required to be available at all times to be valuable.
You're not defined by your speed to respond.
You don't owe the world your immediacy.
The world will continue spinning indifferently, beautifully, without your instant reply.
Purpose lives upstream from performance. It asks different questions. Why am I doing this? Who is this for? What feels honest right now? These aren't questions that tolerate rushing. They ask for presence, much like nature itself.
This is why art matters. Why landscapes matter. Why stepping outside, into a forest, along a river, beneath a wide sky, and under a tree can feel like coming home. Nature never hurries, yet nothing is left undone. It operates on purpose, not pressure. And a walk in nature, if we really pay attention, reminds us to do the same: to get on purpose and get off outcome.
The Result of Taking a Day to Just Lose
On this day, I may have made less progress by conventional standards. Fewer boxes checked on my to-do list. Fewer sales made. But something more subtle happened. My internal compass recalibrated. I remembered what it feels like to reflect rather than react.
Instead of moving quickly, I chose to move more deliberately. I considered more thoughtfully the things going on in Nicola's life, before rushing to get my point across.
As the day ended and the messages were eventually answered and calls returned, I fell asleep with a softer pillow and a clearer sense of what actually matters.
Nicola's advice to "take a day off to just lose" wasn't about losing at all. It wasn't about disengaging from life, but engaging more deeply with it. Combined with a walk in the forest, her advice helped me get back on purpose and get off outcome.
Lessons from Losing
Your worth isn't measured in response time.
React less, reflect more.
Take a hike in nature and become a better noticer.
Let curiosity, not obligation, set the pace.
Remember, you're not required to be available at all times to be valuable.
You don't owe the world your immediacy.
Ask questions that favor presence over pressure.
And finally, ask: “What deserves your attention?”
All photographs by Michael Kennedy / BlueWolfGallery.com
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I’m Michael Kennedy, a resident of Olympic Valley, CA (in photo above). I’m a writer & photographer and I love exploring nature and getting lost along the way. We live in a world that demands our attention and I just want to say thank you for your attention. If you enjoyed this post, please share with a friend. For more photos and stories visit BlueWolfGallery.com.
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